Penny Don't Kill the Squirrels
by Red Witch
Summary: Cowritten with Coldfusion180. Set during The Final Chapter. The gang tries to stop Penny from her favorite hobby using an unorthodox method.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any X-Men characters or any Disney songs to parody has been shredded. I didn't even write half of this. The majority of this was written by Coldfusion 180. This was all his idea. I just added my own madness to it. Takes place during The Final Chapter. **

**Don't Kill The Squirrels**

"Well I see you're all hard at work building a brighter tomorrow," Emma walked into the living room where several X-Men and Misfits were lounging around. "You do remember there's a war going on where we have to fight for our lives right?"

"Give us a break Frost," Rogue sighed as she sat on a chair watching Pietro and Bobby yell at the TV. "We just got through that whole mess on Madripoor three days ago and we need some down time."

"For once I agree," Scott said. "I think one afternoon of taking a rest won't kill us. I even cancelled all Danger Room sessions for the day."

"Scott Summers, the original boy scout slash yes man wanting to take a day off," Lance said as he casually strummed his guitar. "Man you must be tired. And I'm too tired to come up with a decent insult."

"You are tired," Rogue blinked.

"Come on, there's got to be something good on!" Pietro snapped as he rapidly flipped through channels on the TV. "Stupid. Stupid. Boring. More boring. Boring **and** stupid! Even more boring and stupid! Saw that, hated it. Saw that, hated it more! Show I actually like but this is the one episode of the series I **can't stand**! Figures! Hate it! Boring…"

"Forget it Speedy," Tabitha scoffed as she casually read a magazine. "Like there's anything worth watching on TV anymore."

"No kidding," Kitty sighed. "Practically everything the networks run nowadays are reruns, mutant hating or are rip offs of old shows."

"Not everything!" Jubilee protested. "Have we forgotten about Monday and Tuesday nights?"

"Fine except for Dancing with the Stars and Cake Boss," Kitty amended. "Obviously those two are the exceptions."

"Ah-hem!" Scott coughed loudly.

"Okay those two and Boardwalk Empire," Kitty added. "Which I admit that last one has very good acting in it."

"And…" Tabitha looked at Kitty.

"And the Apprentice and oh yeah America's Next Top Model but other than those…" Kitty began.

"I think Community's pretty interesting," Scott said. "You have to admit Joel McHale and Chevy Chase are good."

"The whole cast is good," Lance said. "The Office is pretty good too."

"Yeah but that show was originally made in England so technically that's under the remake/rip off category," Rogue said. "And if we're going on that we have to say the same thing for Dancing With the Stars."

"Oh right," Jubilee said. "Arrested Development is good though."

"That goes in the rerun category," Pietro said.

"Damn! I forgot!" Jubilee realized.

"Hey was Cake Boss on before Ace of Cakes or…?" Tabitha began.

"The **point **I am trying to make…" Kitty interrupted. "Is that nothing good comes on before 8 PM."

"There's gotta be something!" Pietro's thumb flew across the remote. "Hey! Here we go! A fight scene between two mobs going at it with rocket launchers and bazookas! Cool!"

"Alright!" Bobby cheered. "Finally some decent entertainment!"

"That's **not** entertainment. That's CNN! They're covering the war in the Gaza Strip!" Emma looked at the television. "No wait. I was mistaken. It's the governor's race in Massachusetts. Carry on."

"How can you watch that?" Jubilee asked in disgust. "Aren't we exposed to enough violence and gore in our daily lives?"

Just then Peter walked into the room in his armored form covered in blood and with torn clothes while trying to hold onto a struggling Penny. "No Penny! You can not go outside anymore! Down girl! Down!"

"See what I mean?" Jubilee groaned.

"Penny's been out squirrel hunting again hasn't she?" Emma gave Peter a look.

"Yes, and she has been very successful at it," Peter moaned. "Does anyone know how to get squirrel blood out of clothes?"

"Not really. Which is strange because you would think after all this time we'd be experts at it by now," Scott shrugged.

"Yuck, you can't wear those things again!" Kitty protested. "Throw them out!"

"It's not like they are worth saving now anyway," Tabitha pointed out.

"I suppose you are right," Peter looked at his tattered clothes as he changed back to human form. "And this was one of my favorite shirts too."

"Really? I didn't think it was a good color on you," Pietro looked.

"You think?" Peter asked.

"Yeah. Actually I think the red on you looks a lot better than the color of your shirt," Pietro said.

"That's blood!" Peter protested as he put Penny down. She had stopped struggling and looked around.

"Yeah but that shade of red still looks good on you," Kurt said. He and Todd were playing paper football in the corner.

"Man, Penny sure likes chasing little furry things doesn't she?" Lance snickered.

"Better watch out Fuzzy. She might go after you next," Todd giggled.

"Don't give her any ideas," Kurt groaned.

"Isn't there some way you can convince her **not** to hunt animals?" Emma asked as Penny happily bounded across the room.

"Don't you think we've **tried**?" Scott gave her a look. "We've locked her in her room, hung a bell around her neck, and told her repeatedly not to go outside without supervision. Nothing works!"

"We've even tried electroshock therapy," Rogue moaned. "That did not go well."

"Neither did the dressing up like a squirrel and try to teach Penny that squirrels are not meant to be hunted," Peter moaned as he sat in a chair. "I have the scars to prove it."

"In hindsight that was not one of our better ideas," Scott sighed. "Nor the hypnosis theory."

"Wolverine ended up clucking like a chicken for a week whenever someone mentioned the word 'ambidextrous'," Bobby snickered. "Trust me. It was hard working that word into a conversation every couple of hours."

"Once he found out the joke stopped being funny," Kurt moaned. "And got painful."

"What about telepathic suggestion?" Emma said.

"She's resistant to telepathy. Remember?" Rogue pointed to Penny who was sniffing at Kurt's tail. "But if you want to take a crack at her thick skull be my guest!"

"Penny! No! My tail is not your plaything!" Kurt barked. Penny whimpered and looked at him. "Don't give me that look. Shoo! Shoo!"

"How about just asking her nicely to stop hunting squirrels?" Todd asked innocently.

"Oh yeah, like **that** would ever work," Tabitha rolled her eyes.

"Why not? It could happen," Todd defended.

"So could Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino winning an Oscar for Best Actor but I'm not betting on it," Tabitha said.

"Maybe Penny just needs a more calm and gentle approach," Lance suggested.

"What she needs is a sanity transplant," Kitty grumbled.

"That would imply Penny had any sanity to begin with," Rogue told her. "She makes Pyro look rational! And believe me that is a major accomplishment."

"Oh please. She can't be **that **bad," Todd protested.

"Excuse me? Have you **met** Penny?" Rogue gave him a look. "This is the same girl who puts makeup on severed squirrel heads and stores them in the refrigerator."

"She what?" Emma blinked. "Oh dear…That explains the smell in the fruit bin."

"She is sick! Sick I tell you!" Kitty made a face. "Sick! Sick! Sick!"

"YAP! YAP!" Penny then decided to tackle Peter in his chair.

"WHOA! PENNY! NO!" Peter barely changed back into his metal form when she tackled him. "DOWN GIRL!"

"Penny! I said **you** were sick! Not sic as in **attack** someone!" Kitty groaned.

"She's not sick. She's just misunderstood," Todd huffed.

"Are you **joking**? Just look at her!" Scott shouted and pointed where Peter was still struggling to hold on to a squiggling Penny. "_There, you see her! Struggling to slip away. She don't got a lot to say, but there's something wrong with her!_"

"Look who's talking," Lance quipped.

"_And we don't why, but she just wants to try to go and kill the squirrels,"_ Scott moaned.

"Why are you singing?" Emma blinked.

"Well, it's not that bad," Pietro said. "I hate squirrels. Let her kill 'em."

"Ew, are you crazy?" Kitty winced and turned towards Pietro. "_No more killing. She gets squirrel blood everywhere. Once she got some in my hair, it was so darn disgusting!"_

"Rarrr," Penny whined in Peter's grasp.

"_Let her stay and pout. Don't let her go out to try and kill the squirrels_," Kitty told him.

"Easier said than done,"' Peter grunted. "You are not the one holding her…yikes!" Peter yelped and Penny managed to slip free and ran out the door. "Oops! She's loose!"

"Oh no! Get her!" Scott shouted as most of the X-Men except for Emma took off after Penny. "PENNY GET BACK HERE!"

"Well, this is entertaining," Lance smirked as the Misfits went to the window and watched the X-Men chase Penny around the yard.

SLICE! SLICE!

"SQUEEEEEEEEE!"

"_Penny! Penny! Penny! Stop, don't run! Shredding squirrels is not fun! Don't go and kill the squirrels!"_ Scott, Kitty, Rogue and Jubilee shouted as they tried to catch her.

"_Penny! Penny! Penny! Let them live! Don't take a life but give, and stop killing the squirrels!_" Bobby, Kurt and Tabitha yelled while trying to avoid stepping in squirrel guts.

"Are they singing to a Disney song?" Emma's jaw dropped.

"I believe they are," Todd said.

"Are you getting this?" Pietro asked.

"Oh yeah," Todd grinned as he filmed the spectacle. "This is gonna be great for our collection!"

"I don't believe this!" Emma gasped.

"I know. Usually we're the ones that put on a musical number," Todd agreed.

"There she is!" Scott pointed as Penny caught a squirrel, but stopped short of killing it. "Okay Penny, take it easy." Scott slowly approached her. "_Don't be hasty. Do what I say nice and slow. Let the furry rodent go, it will not be tasty._"

"Che, che, che, che, che," The helpless squirrel squealed pitifully.

"_This is so absurd! Penny you must have heard! Don't go and kill the squirrel_!" Kitty shouted.

SLICE!

"SQUEEEEEEEEE!"

"Whoa! Look at the hang time on that head!" Todd whistled.

"So much for that idea," Lance smirked as Penny ran off with her latest squirrel head.

"ARRRGGGHHH!" Kitty screamed. _"Penny! Penny! Penny! You are sick! Who knows what makes you tick! Don't go and kill the squirrels!"_

"No! No!" Rogue and Scott scolded.

"_Penny! Penny! Penny! Please come back! Cut the poor things some slack! Don't go and kill the squirrels!"_ Peter pleaded as Penny stayed just out of his reach.

"_No! No!"_ Kitty and Tabitha shouted.

"_Penny! Penny! Penny! Why oh why! Do you want us to cry? Just please don't kill the squirrels!"_ Jubilee yelled.

"_NO! NO!__" _Scott screamed as Penny tackled him. "AAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"They've all lost it," Emma blinked. "Then again they never had much of it in the first place…"

"_Penny! Penny! Penny! Get some rest! Come on, we know what's best! Don't go and kill the squirrels!"_ Kitty and Rogue chased after her while running over Scott.

"I am so loving this," Lance smiled. "This is better than what's on TV right now!"

"_Don't go and kill the squirrels!"_ The X-Men screamed as they continued to chase Penny around. _"You should not kill the squirrels! No need to kill the squirrels! DON'T GO AND KILL THE SQUIRRRRRRRRRRRRELS_!"

SLICE!

"SQUEEEEEEEEE!"

"Penny really does need to work on her listening skills doesn't she?" Emma put her head in her hands.

"Yeah but her hunting skills are right up there," Lance nodded.

"She could give lessons to Billy the Exterminator," Todd said. "Hey that's another good show!"

"No, we are not going back to that topic!" Emma snapped.

"SQUEEEEEEE!"

"Well this is one way to keep the squirrel population down," Pietro snickered. "Go Penny! Get those squirrels!"

"Don't encourage her!" Kitty snapped. "No! No! Penny I don't want the squirrel head! GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"EEWWW! Don't come near me either!" Tabitha yelled. "You're getting blood everywhere!"

"Penny! Penny! OW! NO! We don't want a hug! OW!" Scott yelled. "RUN AWAY!"

"Penny! No! Ow! My tail! On second thought go **back** to killing the squirrels!" Kurt yelled. "Go kill more squirrels Penny!"

"Okay just between us you can tell me the truth," Emma gave the Misfits a look. "Professor Xavier isn't really in a coma is he? He's just faking so he doesn't have to deal with this madness isn't he?"

"That's one of the theories we've got floating around," Lance admitted.

**Again. I don't own the song 'Kiss the Girl' or have written half of this fic. A lot of this is Coldfusion 108's idea. **

Emma stormed out. "I think everyone has figured out the **real reason** why Coldfusion 180 didn't want to put this on his profile!"


End file.
